Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I hope the Bloggess didn't notice my extra boobs!

My great friends Amber and Anne-Marie and ME with the Bloggess!

So you know that gal in Total Recall, the one with the three breasts?  Well I must be a sci-fi lover's wet dream, because I have six.  Yep - SIX.  Four in the front, two in the back.  Let's do the math again, just to be safe:
4 + 2 = 6!!! 

Now sure, two of the front ones are armpit boobs and the back ones are back boobs and the extra four are really no more than a AAA cup, and really only are noticeable if I have a tight bra on - but still, I kinda feel like I need a 6-cupped brassiere or at least 4 more nipples to make it really interesting.  Scratch that.  Four more nipples would be problematic.  I already have to utilize a small carpenter's level at the front door to ensure that my two nipple are on the same plane before leaving the house.  Nothing worse than one nipple facing due south and one  north-east.  (Well I guess maybe there ARE worse things - Syria's in pretty bad shape right now, from all accounts. )  Instead of the 4 more nipples, maybe I could get an undergarment that smooths the extra 4 boobs into less noticeable mounds than those that seem to magically appear in unflattering photographs.

This is all to say that when I looked at my photos from the The Bloggess's (Jenny Lawson!!) reading at the Bay/Bloor Indigo last night - there's one of me from the back/side that shows an abundance of extra boobage.  I think that she was looking down and signing my book at that time, so she probably DIDN'T see, but it got me thinking... I really wish there was a way to suck in one's back fat and armpit pudge.  Oh, SURE, the easiest way would be to lose the 30 pounds that would put me at my optimum weight, but right now my cheekbones are already REALLY prominent - I know that if I lost that much weight I would look like a freaking cadaver! 

Wait!! TUCKING!!  That's the answer.  Tucking the back boobs and armpit boobs INTO the armpits and then just using your upper arms to hold them in!!  Plus, all the pressure it would take to keep the extra boobs in the armpits would totally work your biceps and triceps.  That's it!  The extra boobs are really exercise tools!!  I'm feeling so much  better now. People pay for this kind of equipment.  And these are all mine!  But fear not!  If a gal were to gain extra weight or stop doing push-ups after she had built up muscle in her back and chest, she could probably get them too!  See?  This is me being helpful!


  1. I'll take a couple of those extra boobs off your hands and add them to my {puny} original ones. Then maybe I'll finally fill my A cups...