|Is it hot in here?|
I awoke in the midst of another horrific hot flash. Stumbling and growling all the way down the stairs - David and Rissa's eyes got really big as I stomped my way into the kitchen. I was fanning my face with my hands and flapping my arms to get air into my armpits.
"I'm not even going to ask," I said.
"If it's hot in here?" David replied.
"Yes, I'm not asking, because..."
"It's not hot," Rissa cheerfully piped up. "It's just you."
"Awesome! That is just freaking AWESOME!!!" I open the freezer and grab a velcro ice pack and strap it around my neck.
"Interesting look," said David, ignoring the laser beams coming out of my eyes. He then leaned in to whisper at my ear, "Are you going for an auto-erotic asphyxiation type look?" I growled at him.
"I am only 44 years old," I griped, as I attempted to start my coffee. "44 YEARS OLD!!! My Mom had hot flashes until she was 60!!! You could have to live with THIS (I point violently to myself, drawing a wide, erratic circle around my head) for another SIXTEEN years!!!" I grab the soy milk and my hazelnut flavouring. The mug is warm. "THIS MUG IS TOO WARM TO HOLD!!!"
Rissa then giggled, which let me know that David must have done something behind my back.
"WHAT??? What did he do? Did he just make a 'she's crazy' gesture?!?"
"Nope, not at all. Un-unh. Nope." Both of them looked all sweet and innocent. David had the decency to look chagrined before admitting "I just raised my eyebrows like this." (He demonstrated.) It's the 'Oh boy, fasten your seatbelts' look. Even though I really, really wanted to... I did not bludgeon him.
"How about I make you an iced capp? Would that help?" He moved swiftly out of my arm's reach.
"Maybe," I pouted. Then I realized what he was offering. "Yes please. (sigh) David, you just don't understand. I can't do this to you guys for another 16 years. You'll lose your minds. You can't be walking on eggshells all that time. That's not fair to you! I am considering hormone replacement. THIS (again another finger circling my skull for emphasis), is making me consider HRT!!! It's not supposed cause as much cancer now, but I can't be on hormone replacement for SIXTEEN years! That's just asking for bad shit to happen to my body!!! I have enough bad shit happening to my body already!!"
It was at that point that Rissa led me to the kitchen table, sat me down and patted me on my arm in a gesture of placation. David then put the iced capp into my hand. It was cool and delicious and took my mind off the volcano in my torso.
What if I commit major crimes before I actually make it to Menopause? This is only PERI-Meonopause - and already I'm pretty much out of my mind. Can I make it through another SIXTEEN years? And more importantly, will I be able to use it as an excuse in court? Like, for when I murder someone when they look at me funny or drive slowly in front of me or chew with their mouths open?!? The only upside to jail is that the metal bars will proabably be cool when I bang my head on them.