Thursday, May 8, 2014
My boobs are growing.
Is one of the by-products of peri-menopause bigger boobs? Because I'm pretty sure that my boobs are growing. Swear to God. I feel like I have pregnant boobs. I'm ALL boobs. I look in the mirror and they're just... there... I mean really, there. Like KAPOW there!! I walk into the room and they get there a few seconds before I do.
They feel... more... substantial. And they're more, well, sensitive. Like in the nipppular and sidal regions. Which is how they were when I was pregnant, and seeing as I just finished my period - I know that that's not the case, so what's the deal? Anyone? Anyone???
On the 34 symptoms of menopause site (which is really a misnomer - because menopause really means that you've ended all that shit - it should be peri-menopause. It's like nauseous and nauseated. Everyone says nauseous, but that means that it causes nausea in others - so if you say "I'm feeling nauseous" that really means that you're making other people want to throw up. The word you want is nauseated - that's when you want to throw up.) (Another by-product of peri-menopause is irritability - with small things - like improper word usage.)
So... two years ago, when I went to the 34 symptoms of menopause site, I checked off 18 of them. Now I have 30 of them. Once I fill my peri-menopause card do I get a prize?
Heather, you've just won an all-expenses-paid vacation for 12 to... HAWAII!!!!
I'd love to go to Hawaii. After I've hit menopause. If I went now, the heat and humidity would drive my irritability levels through the freaking stratosphere. And the volcanoes - those would piss me off. And the heat of the sun... Safer for everyone if I go then. Then I'd be able to lounge around in bright floral caftans with large floppy sun hats - because apparently after menopause you turn into an elderly Floridian woman.
"Bernie! Bernie! I said 3 olives in the martini! THREE you bastard!"