Monday, June 16, 2014
Half Lotus Hair Management
The plan had been to wash my hair in the bathtub. My scalp just couldn't take any more, I would lose my mind if I didn't shampoo. It'd had been three days since the shower curtain had been taken down to make way for the skim coat of drywall compound. Problem was, the week was maybe the most humid and rainy week in the history of Southern Ontario - the walls rejected the concept of 'dry' - which meant that the shower curtain couldn't go back up yet.
I refused to be thwarted - I would manage in the tub. I'd just lie back with my head under the tap and have an on-my-back shower. Which does not sound right. Just saying it makes me want to take a shower. Nonetheless, I find myself prepped, naked, sitting with my back to the tap, water on, temperature good. I move my ass towards the end of the tub... Scooch, scooch, scooch... I attempt to lean back, whack my head on the tap, check for blood... no blood... HUZZAH!! Scooch... my legs won't fit in the tub - I'll have to put them up against the wall. Except when I do that, my head isn't 't even close to the tap. I push back against the wall with my legs... my ass makes a squeaking sound as I attempt to propel myself closer to the tap. The over spray from the tap has somehow, in the last millisecond, slickened the bottom of the tub, so when I push with my feet once more, I slam my head against the drain-side of the tub and nearly drown when my mouth opens to turn the air blue. I finally manage to get my head under the running water. SUCCESS!!! It feels fantastic - amazing - my scalp is ecstatic. I lie there for a bit, revelling in the cleansing water.
Okay... shampoo... Where was the shampoo?!? On the side of the tub by the wall, behind my head. I try to reach up with my right arm to grab it, but my right arm can no longer be described as limber - or even movable at times - it does not like to go behind anything. I grope around with my left arm instead, nearly drown a second time, but I eventually snag the shampoo. I raise my head and shoulders off the bottom of the tub to wet the back of my head - I'm in an unintentional sustained crunch. Quick! I have to spread shampoo all over my head before I give myself a hernia. I squoosh the shampoo around and then have to rest for a moment before I start rinsing. My shoulders lift again, both hands in my hair now, valiantly trying to disperse the shampoo. My stomach shaking like I have the DTs. Rinsing as fast as I can, head dropping to the bottom of the tub. Was I rinsed? I lift my head again to feel around. Maybe. Maybe rinsed. Fuck it - it has to be good enough.
Okay. Now to turn off the water while I do the cream rinse. Left arm - my good arm - above my head to turn the water off. Step one done. YAY! Conditioner... I hadn't brought the conditioner down yet. Fuck. Not a problem, I'd just get up... I reach out with my right arm to grab the edge of the tub. My fingers close tightly around the edge and I attempt to pull... HOLY CRAP!!! Bad elbow! Bad elbow! Change of plans... put my elbow on the side of the tub and lift... SWEET JESUS!!! Bad shoulder! Bad shoulder! The shower wall... there is a handhold on the shower wall if I can just do a slow sit up to get to it... I try, but my ass is so slick that I every time I get my shoulders off the ground enough to reach for it, I slide further down the tub. Fine, I'll just do some more scooching - I'm now doing The Worm, but on my back. Scooch, scooch, scooch... I can reach the handhold! I pull myself up with my left hand. I'm sitting folks! I have made it to sitting!! I manage to get up, grab the conditioner and sit back down and slather my hair with conditioner. I then sing a little song about conditioner, a la Winnie the Pooh.
While I'm in the tub, I should probably wash myself too. I look up, way... waaaaaaay up... at the bath products on the shelf. I forgot to get the body wash. No problem. I get up and grab the body wash - facing the tap now, I run the tub a little bit, making some lather - I grab a face cloth I am now completely soaped up. SUCCESS! All I have to do is turn around so that I can rinse...
(So this tub? It's not quite as wide as we'd thought it would be when we purchased it. Almost as soon as we'd installed it, we'd realized that it was considerably more compact in its proportions. This tub is not quite long enough, not quite deep enough and not quite wide enough. Apparently, we'd been going by the exterior dimensions. When sitting, the 16" wide bottom of the tub was verging on cozy with my womanly hips.)
Turning around in this tub? Problematic. Sure, if I could use my right arm in any tangible way, I might have a shot, but as I attempt to re-orient myself, I can't get any traction, even with my good arm because it's all slick from the soap.
"Could I get your help for a second?"
"Sure thing, just a sec." (Right there? Him saying that? One of the reasons why I married him.) He trundles up the stairs, stopping for a moment in the doorway to take in the stage picture.
"Sooooo.... How ya doing?"
"May I have some help please?"
"What are you trying to accomplish?"
"I need to turn around, I need to rinse."
"How about if I grab a cup and help you rinse?"
"Then I will love you - even after I'm dead."
"Hold on..." David grabs a cup from the bathroom vanity and starts pouring water over me to rinse away the soap. "Do you want to rinse your hair under the tap?"
He grabs my hands and tries to spin me around, but between my hips and my knees, the geometry of it seems impossible... perhaps if I'd still been soaped up. Mentally, I'm putting money aside in anticipation of the bathtub reno that we will be doing as soon as possible.
"Put your feet up over the edge," he says. If this were an erotic romance, I'd be getting all excited right about now. Legs over the edge - he spins me round so that my back is once more to the tap. He helps me lie back, runs the water and then gives me the best scalp massage/rinse I've ever had in my life. I'm actually purring by the time he's done. He turns the water off.
"Let's get you up." He gently pushes at my shoulders, but due to residual rinsing moisture, my ass slides towards the back of the tub. I have to bend my legs into a Half Lotus so that they don't shoot up the wall. He pushes against my middle back and I'm now sitting, but because the back of the tub didn't get as wet as the drain side, my wet ass and hips in the Half Lotus have pressed some other feminine bits to the bottom of the tub creating a suction seal - I'm stuck - again.
"I wonder how we could turn this into a math lesson..." David says.
I can't answer. I'm laughing too hard.