Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Lead Vase of Death...

Perfect Bludgeoning Instrument

So he found it.  He found the note that said "crystal vase for bludgeoning."  He gave me an odd look.  It made perfect sense when I wrote it down.  I was putting away the vase after having washed the residue from Rissa's dance recital flowers from its sides.  This vase had some great heft.  Like the  "you have to use two hands to carry the sucker"  heft.  It immediately struck me (HAH!) that this vase was made for bludgeoning.  (Add your own Nancy Sinatra in the background here.)

The only problem is, that it sits in our butler's pantry and would be a hard go-to item if, say, an intruder came into your home and you were looking for something with which to whack them.  You'd have to run to the small butler's pantry hall, (way too small a space to be trapped with an intruder), you'd have to open the cupboard, reach to the back of the top shelf for it.

Same thing with kitchen knives.  We don't keep ours out in the open with a knife block - they're in a drawer - all the way back in the kitchen.  Sure, lots of space around you, but it's a straight run from the living/family rooms - the intruder might well catch you before you get to the knives.

That's why most people go for the fireplace pokers.

Old Standby
You don't have to open a cupboard - you're in the living room which is a more open space.  Lots of room to swing a weapon.  Much better all-around choice, but frankly, without the panache of a beautiful crystal vase.

Plus?  Bludgeoning gives you a certain 80s nighttime soap grandness to the event.  Ideally, you'd want to run upstairs and throw on a Nolan Miller gown, but expediency is probably best in a home-invasion situation.

No comments:

Post a Comment