Big Apple Blindness

I feel it happening almost as soon as I step outside of the conference. By the time I make my way to the top of Columbus Circle I know it's a goner. It's gotta be the cold air. My thighs have gone cold with the breezy NY air. My left thigh still has some warmth, but my right? Not so much.

My silicone-topped, stay-up stocking is slowly sliding down my thigh. I mince my way along to the benches adjacent to the entrance to Central Park and surreptitiously hike up the right stocking to its original resting place. I give myself a virtual high-five and begin walking to the Plaza where I have arranged to meet my friend Narda.

Five steps into my journey, my thigh and the stocking decide to part ways.  Victim to the unexpected meteorological changes, the stocking's lacy band slowly unfurls before resting delicately at the top of my ankle boot. My steps slow, but they do not stop.

My entire right leg is now visible. My pasty-white leg a beacon for all those walking on 59th Street. Then I start to laugh. I remember a story that my mother told me about a trip she'd taken to see the Parliament Buildings in Ottawa when she was 16. While she was walking on Rideau Street, one of her stockings had come loose from her garter belt, leaving her leg open to the elements.  She and her friends popped into a department store - probably the Bay - and attempted to rectify the situation in the elevator but found it too crowded and had to seek out the bathroom.  Like mother like daughter.

I put my shoulders back, lift my chin and just keep walking.

No problem Heather. This is not a problem. You're just an eccentric lady out for a walk... laughing in fits and starts as you make your way to the Plaza.  No one in NY looks down - there's too much to see around and up. So you just keep on smiling and keep on walking... 

Cheeks hurting from my manic grin - I make my way to the Plaza. And nobody paid attention. Not even the doorman for the Plaza apartments who can't help but see me as I crouch down to shove the lacy stocking top into my boot.

Narda and I meet up and head into Central Park, at which point I make a bee-line to a fence against which I can prop myself to take off my socks and stockings. I stash the defunct lingerie in my conference bag and then put my socks back on before zipping up my ankle boots once more.

"All right, let's move! Gotta walk to keep warm!"

I give Narda a quick and dirty tour of the Southern end of the park before we make our way to Macy's on 34th Street, where Narda purchases fun socks and I purchase some tights.

I of course forget to put the tights on while we're in Macy's proper. It isn't until we're in the vestibule at the main entrance with its LED ceiling and walls bathed in Christmas reds and greens and holidays scenes, when I remember that it is now cold outside and my chiffon dress will not offer much warmth especially now that the sun has gone down.

"We can go back in and find a bathroom," suggests Narda.

"Nah... I'm good here." I scoot off to the side and nonchalantly pull off my boots and socks.

Narda shakes her head.

"I'm telling you - this is NY - nobody notices anything outside their own sphere." I take my new tights out of their packaging. Crowds of people are heading through the vestibule - no one has yet to notice my bare feet.

"Uh-huh..." Narda rolls her eyes at me.

"Seriously." I lean against the wall and bend over, pull on the feet of my new tights and prep for a clandestine tight raise.

"Uh... miss? You probably don't want to be doing that here."

I look to my left, there is a hairy hipster in a plaid jacket looking very disappointed in me.

"That's the entrance panel to the store front windows. People need to get in and out right where you're leaning."

"Oh, I'll be done in just a moment."

Dude looks at me and then pointedly looks at the entrance panel.

"Oh. Right. By someone you actually mean YOU. Oh... YOU'RE doing the windows!  Very cool! Sorry about that."  Tights up to my calves, I bounce out of his way.

Stolen from a Guardian article about tights. 

Narda snorts. "Only you Heather. Only you."

"Not a problem. Window dude is now in there. He won't come out for a while. Nobody is paying attention, you shield me..."

I bend down to grab the waistband of the tights. Instantly, all the LED lights in the vestibule turn brilliant white.  No longer bathed in Christmas reds and greens - there is a blinding white LED light show of a festive snow storm bouncing off every surface in the space. The area around me is glowing - there may as well be a sign with flashing arrow pointing:

CRAZY LADY WITH HER ASS ON DISPLAY!!

Narda and I are almost sick we're laughing so hard. And not a single person noticed.