Saturday, March 2, 2019

Watch out for the permanent intergalactic concrete.

Did you know that to get new countertops you have to purchase entirely new base cabinets upon which you can place said countertops? It doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, when you've got cabinets...

...FUNCTIONING... underneath the countertops, surely I can remove the existing countertops, attach the new ones, et voilĂ ! BRAND NEW KITCHEN!!! 

Now perhaps you are asking yourself why those charming 4 x 4 tile countertops need to be removed in the first place.  Let's go macro for a second...

That's not dirty grout. That is grout that has been cleaned, nay bleached, repeatedly. You could eat off those countertops - they just look like shit. The grout is so old and discoloured that it needs to be painted quarterly in advance of any public gathering that we host. And yeah, after I paint the grout, it doesn't look that bad apart from the cracked tiles. But the fact that you can't fucking wipe crumbs off the counters because they get stuck in the multiple layers of grout paint over top of the grout has made me mental ever since we bought the house.

Smooth countertops. That's all I want. I want to be able to actually wipe them - not have to use a Shop-Vac on them. I want countertops that are not only clean, but that look clean. And I have wanted this for the past 5 years. So this is the year. This is the year that we update our kitchen by changing those fucking countertops. 

This is our plan. Unbeknownst to us, this plan of action only works if your countertops aren't tile. 

Oh sure, you might think that you'll be able to salvage the existing cabinets and you... are adorable. Because when it comes down to removing those countertops, you realize that the fuckers who installed the tile countertops, screwed the backing board from the top down and the only way to get to those screws, is to remove the tiles, which is pretty fucking much impossible because they've been adhered using what must be permanent intergalactic concrete. 

But you try. You sure do try to pry those rat bastards away from their backing board. You chisel, you hammer, you pry bar, you thank God you are wearing safety goggles when tiny shards of tile ping off the goggles instead of piercing your corneas.

Can you get a full tile off? NO, you cannot. Can you get to any screws? One. You can get to a single fucking screw. Can you unscrew it? NO. It is filled in with permanent intergalactic concrete. 

This is when you realize that the only way you'll be able to remove those countertops is if you buy special diamond-encrusted blades for three types of saws (jig, circular and sabre) to cut through the tile, its permanent intergalactic concrete adhered backing board, the screws attaching the board to the top of the cabinet and the top of the cabinet. Somewhere in the midst of this adventure, you also come to the realization that it is ridiculous to think that 'salvage' has ever been an option, when the 'cabinets' are held together like this:

This is my kitchen cabinet to the left of my stove.
This is what we found when we took out the drawers
and pried off the molding.

What even IS this? Why are there 1x6s
on end between the two 'cabinets'? Are these shims?

There are no tops to these cabinets. There are no bottoms to these cabinets. They have been built in place using spare wood to make 'sides' with enough nails to make crucifiers jealous.

In our excavation I found a weapon I can use
when I fight in Game of Thrones.

So you use your diamond encrusted blades and cut through those tile countertops... like hot knives through very, very, very hard, screaming butter. Without the countertops the cabinets below pretty much give up and collapse. In a few short hours, 7 base cabinets are decimated. You move them all into the backyard, where they shall sit under the pergola until spring arrives. 

And then you sit down, with a large scotch and your laptop, and you order new cabinets from IKEA.