Monday, October 1, 2012

Woman on the VERGE...


I am this close...

I give you fair warning - as I'm typing this I am stoned out of my gourd on extra-strength Tylenol.  I took three.  This may devolve into a rant.

I am loopy beyond belief and STILL in pain.  Shouldn't a drug that advertises it 'relieves pain'  ACTUALLY do it?  Three frickin' Tylenol and NO pain relief.  I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have taken three!!  I KNOW!!  But what's GOOD here, and what all my nurse/doctor friends should really focus on, is that I DIDN'T take that many anti-inflammatories, because I know that they wreck your stomach.  Even though if I'd taken three extra-strength Advil maybe I would no longer be in pain right now.   I am loop-the-fuckin'-loop stoned, but still in pain.  However, I'm smart enough to know that NOW taking some extra-strength Advil on top of the extra-strength Tylenol (with soy milk and some rice crackers, 'cause you really should have food on your stomach with anti-inflammatories), would be BAD. See, I'm being sensible here!  I will wait a couple of hours, eat and THEN take anti-inflammatories.

Yes, ladies & germs DAY 1 of Heather's period has arrived... AGAIN.  I know, doesn't it seem like it was a mere 23 days ago when I posted a similar rant?


But you know what?  It could have been worse.  It could have started Saturday when I was prepping for the Stag & Doe, instead of last night.  There.  I have just now found the silver lining that Mom always finds.  Of course Mom never suffered from machete to your uterus menstrual cramps and doesn't believe in PMS.   "Well I never had much trouble with my periods.  On very rare occasions my back might get a little achy."  My Mom is healthy as the proverbial horse and managed to sleep through the re-setting and insertion of pins into her shattered ankle.  "Oh it was a local so I didn't feel anything - I was a little tired, so I had a cat-nap."  I am so NOT my mother's daughter in the health dept.  I imagine that Rissa is praying that she'll take after her Mor-Mor instead of me.  I keep telling Rissa "I'm an anomaly.  Don't be like me."

Exercise can sometimes help.  The treadmill in the office closet is mocking me right now.  "Come on Heather...  Just roll me out and climb on... You'll feel better... "  Oh yeah?  You don't know what you're talking about treadmill.  You're just a stupid  - (I was going to say inanimate object - but you totally can move) - and you don't have a freaking uterus and you're not in pain.  So fuck you treadmill!  FUCK YOU!


I'm going to get on though.  'Cause I know if I don't, I won't sleep tonight.  I will grudgingly climb on, but I'm not jogging.  I'm only going to saunter.  I will watch True Blood as I saunter as a badge of irony.  So there.

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