Friday, October 12, 2012

You've got to kiss a lot of a**holes


Every girl experiences it.  Asshole Douchebaggery.  Behaviours that change the way a gal sees the world of potential romantic interests.  It happened to me when I was 18.  I  had a string of bad luck.

First there was "Kevin the Asshole." We met doing summer musical theatre at Rainbow Stage. If you think about it, the odds were that he should have been geeky or gay (or both), not an asshole.  I had an inkling he wasn't terribly committed to a monogamous relationship when he decided that a good way to make us closer would be to have a menage a trois with one of my best friends.  I thought I'd call his bluff, but he wasn't bluffing.  AWKWARD.

So I broke up with him.  Later, at a University of Winnipeg theatre social, I ran into his ex-girlfriend.  Me being the kind of girl I am, I said, "I think we broke up with the same guy."  To which she replied "How long did you date Kevin?"  "About 8 months."  pause, two, three... "I've been seeing him for 2 years."  That there? That would be the sound of the other shoe, which I didn't know even existed, dropping.

Yep - there were at least two of us - if not more.  Turns out Kevin the Asshole explained me to her as "A little puppy who just wouldn't take the hint."  And her to me as "an ex-girlfriend who just won't let go."  He gave us the same Hudson Bay Teddy Bears for Christmas (remember those snuggly white bears with the red scarves?), the Valentine's Day rose I gave to him, he gave to her.  The Valentine's handcuffs I gave to him, he USED with her. It was... illuminating - if that word meant soul-destroying.

I borrowed my friend Heidi's car and the other girlfriend and I drove down to The Keg where Kevin worked.  We found Kevin's section and sat patiently, waiting for an opportunity to converse with him.  To his credit, he was fairly calm when we greeted him.  Didn't panic.  Almost nonchalant as he said he'd "get his stuff and then we could talk."  And then he escaped through the kitchen.  A coward AND an asshole.

The other girlfriend and I drove back to the social, commiserating all the way.  How could we have been so stupid, so blind?  How could we not know??  When we arrived back at the social, Kevin was waiting for us.  "I didn't want you both showing up at my house (he still lived with his parents), so I figured I'd come here and let you yell at me."  That's when other girlfriend and I devolved into shrieking harpies and he stood there, oh-so-calmly taking it.  "You broke up with ME, Heather, I don't see the issue.  How can you be angry?"  At one point, when we had finally taken a breath in our haranguing, he said, "I need a drink.  Why don't you girls wait here to think up other things that you can blame me for."  And he walked into the social.   I, honest to God, saw RED.   I followed him in, shoved him in the middle of his back and cuffed him on the side of his head.  And then I ranted.  I don't remember what I said, but what was important was that it was loud,  incredibly dramatic and crowd-captivating.  I then took another swing at him which he ducked.  After that, he ceased to exist for me.  It was the strangest thing.  I looked at him and had no emotional response to him at all. The sad part?  At the end of the night, I saw him still trying to work his magic with the other girl.  And even sadder?  I saw her falling for it.

Shortly after Kevin the Asshole, there was "Older Dude Who Wanted a Hummer in his Car."  My dad was a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force.  On occasion I might go to events with my parents at the Officer's Mess.  This one time a Capt. who taught with my Dad at the Nav School hit on me.  I was 18.  He was about a dozen years older than me.  AND, (I'm sure you can guess this part)... He was married.  As Rissa would say "CREEPER."

And right after that, there was "Dude with no Moral Compass."  I was at a family cottage, hanging with my older cousins and their friends who were in their mid-twenties.  We were enjoying a nice bonfire - some folks having some laughs - roasting marshmallows, drinking beverages.  I was a bit tipsy, I won't lie.  One of the guys, a good-looking and affable gent, asked if I'd like to go for a walk.  On this walk he became, shall we say, amorous.  As he kissed me, something was kicking around in the back of my tipsy mind.   

Wait a second... this guy is married!!!  And like NEWLY married, like only a YEAR married.
"HEY!  You're MARRIED!"

"Baby, that should bother me, it shouldn't bother you."

REALLY?!?  I mean, Really

And then... I didn't date anyone for about a year.  I needed to regroup.  I'd been wounded and had turned into one of those girls who would say "All men are assholes." Finding myself spouting pejorative cliches made me crazy, but I totally had facts to back that shit up.  It was a LOOOOOOONG time before I was willing to trust anyone, but eventually it happened.  I dated again, I even fell in love and eventually,  I found THE ONE and his name was David.  And I can say with complete certainty that David, is NOT an asshole.


  1. Hurray for the "NOT an asshole" like a knight in shining armour! <3