Thursday, June 13, 2013

How many times must I pee to get a control line!?!


I bit the bullet.  I bought a pregnancy test.  Even though I'm in peri-menopause and David is fixed.  I used it yesterday afternoon, right before my Mom, Dad and brother Michael came to visit.

I peed for "at least 3 seconds" and "no more than 5."  I counted my Mississippis to make sure, just as the doorbell rang.  I put the test on a flat surface and let my family in.  Hellos all around.

I think that Dad was the first to notice the test on the counter.  At this point we were at the 2 minute mark.  It showed nothingNOTHING.  After 5 minutes - still NOTHING.  Not even a stinking control line!  The paperwork on this sucker said that if I hadn't seen anything after 10 minutes that I should take another test.  10 minutes came and went and still NOTHING.  I knew I should have bought the frickin' two-for package, but nooooooooo,  I had been logical at the drug store.  Why would I buy two pregnancy tests when I only needed one?  I wasn't going to need more than one test.  Not me!  Nope!  One would do!  And I sure as shit wasn't going to spend $27 on a test.  Which means that I spent $9.99 on a single bastard dud test.

No matter how hard I looked at that sucker there was still nothing in the control window.  I internalized my cursing and did NOT say, "I fucking paid $9.99 for you, you rat-fucking pee stick - now show me a fucking control line and tell me that I'm not fucking pregnant!"  Instead I grumbled under my breath "bastard pregnancy test," with Dad mocking me saying that my moodiness surely was a 'sign.'  When I offered my visiting family muffins, Dad queried,  "Are they dill pickle and ice cream?"   "Har-dee-freaking-har Dad."

By the time David got home from work there was still nothing.  After dinner (an hour later) there was a band of red approaching the windows but still no discernible line.  Then, after my family left, I checked  the test and there was a single line - in the control box.  Which should mean that I'm not pregnant, but all the literature with the rat-fucking test told me that I shouldn't trust the test after 10 minutes, which means I'm still going to have to buy another one.  Even though I know that I'm not pregnant.  (In spite of the fact that I haven't had my period for over three months, I'm weepy, gaining weight and my nipples hurt.)  Even if I could convince myself with sound logic that this is all peri-menopause, all that went right out the window with the stories Mom had recounted during her visit of at least 2 instances where she knew folks (personally) who'd had post-vasectomy "oopses" years after the fact.  "Not helping Mom - that is not helping."

Any bets on how much I'm going to spend before I get my negative test result?

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