Thursday, June 6, 2013

You ever have one of those days?

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  I was driving into Toronto to see a friend's show.  I had Q107.1 on (the home of classic rock) - it was Psychedelic Sunday and a Beatles A-Z weekend.  The tunes were stellar.

I made sure I checked the highway update signs all the way along my route.   "Express and Collectors moving well after next transfer."  That's what I like to hear.  Singing along with the Beatles "Goooolden slumbers fill your eyyyyyyyes!" - anticipating a great show - happy to be alive.

I eased into the exit lane at the DVP and had a moment of stupification.  It was CLOSED.  The DVP was CLOSED.  But a driver wouldn't know this until they actually exited and drove 100 m and saw that they couldn't travel south because there were big freaking road blocks there, and instead everyone was being re-routed north - towards Newmarket.  The complete opposite direction of where I was supposed to be. 

My best laid plans had gone to shit.  And in that moment, I knew... I knew that if I ever was to murder anyone in my life, it would be one of those people in charge of the update signs on the highway.

I'd be introduced to a guy at a party 5 years from now and I'd ask,  "What do you do?"

And he'd say, "I program the highway update signs on the 401."

And then I would stab him in the throat with the first thing I could get my hands on (a cocktail skewer) and when he fell to the ground I would jump on his testicles... a lot.  And as he was crying and bleeding out and asking "Why?  Why?  Why?"  I would say this:

"Because you ruined my Sunday!!!  The trip that was supposed to take me 1 hour and 15 minutes mutated into a BILLION times longer!  And I missed the thing that I drove all the way into the city for!  I had to circumvent the gridlock on the 404 and when I finally got back on the highway I almost ran out of gas because I'd had to drive for so long out of my way, so I had to get off the highway and find a gas station - do you know how HARD it is to locate a gas station CLOSE to the 401 even with a GPS?!?  And then I had to use the stupid Allen Expressway which took me 25 minutes to travel 2.5 km and then when I finally got to my destination and paid for parking, I couldn't have an alcoholic beverage because I had to drive home, and when I got back to the car, there was a FUCKING PARKING TICKET on my windshield!!!  That is why!"

And then all of his highway update sign programmer friends would know.  They would know how important it is to update those signs on the highway.  He would be a lesson to them all.

That being said.  I did manage to have a lovely warm apple cider with my friends.  After I'd missed the show. 

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