Quick! Pass me the pregnancy test!

Is what I'm thinking because I haven't had my period now in 12 weeks.  I know I'm in peri-menopause and all, but there's still this little part of me that worries, you know?  It worries that this extra weight which I can't seem to get rid of lately, no matter how much I over-exercise and not eat - what if that's not extra weight?  What's if it's BABY?  What if that muffin top has nothing to do with muffins?!?  What if I'm nearing the end of my first trimester and should be making some big decisions?!?  Oh sweet Jesus!  Quick!  Pass me the pregnancy test!

HOLY FUCK!!!  Panic attack!  I am having a PANIC ATTACK!! I need to put my head between my knees.  I am 44 and 11/12  fucking years of age!!  I'm on medication to try to regulate my periods because they've been so freakin' wonky.   

Logically, I know that I'm not pregnant, (David has been fixed for 7 years and I know that I haven't been having sex with anyone else but my Hitachi Magic Wand), but you know how you get a thought in your head that just won't leave?  And the more you think about it, it just starts to seem like it's completely plausible and then completely possible?  Like, what if the vasectomy clips slipped? Or corroded...  Or were absorbed by male body parts?  How am I to know know what's going on with David's junk?  Maybe those crazy sperms really wanted to squeeze out the eye of the snake just one more time.  Their last hurrah...

Don't Google it Heather!  Do not Google pictures of a 3 month old fetus.  Do NOT open another browser tab. Don't you do it...  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  That's it, I'm going to Shopper's.